i apologize in advance because sooner or later, something here will offend you. I don't apologize because I actually care that I offended you, but I was told at a young age that was a nice thing to do when you upset someone.
That's not to say I have some sort of Kanye West scale, undiagnosed Assbergers-ish inability to show compassion or empathy. I just don't care. You're hang ups are obviously not mine, and we can agree to disagree. You like GI joes, I like COBRA, guess what? You lose. Why? because Cobra has cooler looking characters. gamesetmatch.
That said, and with the disclaimer now behind us, I'm not going to explain the purpose of this blog. Let's just jump right in, feet first and hope there's not jagged rocks six inches below the surface...
Fuck you tomatoes.
Seriously, where in the fuck do you get off? You call yourself a fruit, but I fucking love fruit, like all fruit, even shitty persimmons, which I'm pretty sure are like your asian cousins or something. I'd eat a whole crop of those till I shit lazers before I concede that you are actually a fruit. You're a vegetable, why? Because like many other vegetables, you suck. Oh, you have lycopene which is good for me somehow? Even more evidence you're a vegetable, because, like every other vegetable I hate, you have some PR behind you to help you not disappear into extinction.
Nobody has to sell me on strawberries, they could actually GIVE me prostate cancer, and I'd still eat those little bastards like candy while i watch my prostate flair up like an emergency raft in a 747. Strawberries even have their seeds on their skin, like "hey, you don't want all these seeds up in your shit do you?" and I'm like, "I appreciate your honesty strawberries, and for wearing it all on the outside, I accept you for exactly who you are. Let's make a food baby."
Now, one may say "Oh yeah? You hate tomatoes so much? What about ketchup?" To which I would retort, I love ketchup, but the tomato showed up to the party wayyy too early and just stands there. he's like the 100 extras in the background while Freddy Prince Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt eye fuck in the foreground. Yeah, you make up most the party, but nobody came to see you when they bought the ticket for "she's all that 2: electric boogaloo".
Salsa? Your'e getting closer Tomato, not as prepared, a little more raw, but wait, what's this? Oh shit! the Expendables showed up! you've got lime, cilantro, jalapeño, onion, and like half a dozen other action stars in this bitch, you're like the nameless henchman they dispatch wave after wave of. you're fodder.
V8? that's like a retirement home of shit I wont eat, all in the same place, it's like Florida for vegetables.
Bloody Mary? More like New Orleans, V8 drowned in Tabasco and alcohol, and I still don't want to go there. What's this? a celery stalk? not exactly a trojan horse is it? not even a good attempt at getting in my mouth.
on my burger? who the fuck invited you? It was probably sesame seed, those useless shits aren't even supposed to be here either, I just don't know how to get them off the bun without working too hard. That said, I love burgers, like "my one food on a deserted island" style. But that island would be straight littered with discarded slices of your slimy ass.
in a salad? Nice try tomatoes, hiding in there. I was barely gonna eat that salad anyways. It was mainly the dressing that put me over the edge on that rabbit food, but no amount of ranch dressing can disguise the fact you just contaminated the healthiest thing I was going to eat all week.
Tomatillos? you are literally retarded. like if the worst lime got drunk on tequila and fucked a tomato that chainsmoked through the entire pregnancy. that's you.
So to summarize, I guess I don't care much for you, tomato. The silver lining however, is I love strawberries, burgers, and COBRA. So all in all, I'd say this first post is actually quite positive.
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